Save me from myself

I was just checking out Bob DelGrosso's Hunger Artist blog (check it out under my links) and he has posted something that has set me off. No, I am not mad at Bob in the least. His news is unsettling to me. Hasbro has recalled Easy Bake ovens due to the fact that they could burn someone. Duh? Doesn't the word oven imply heat? Doesn't the word bake imply the use of heat? Good God! What is next? No pool because of the risk if drowning? If "they" (whoever 'they' are) ruled my world, according to "them" I should be dead.


In today's world, so many things are hazardous we really need to stay inside and watch tv and eat well done food stuffs.Seriously. Let's take a look at the risky behaviors I have risked my life with just recently. Big Brother forgive me, for I have sinned. I used the oven. I now know I can be burned so next time, I will eat the cookie dough raw. Oh, I can't do that either. Noone has ever eaten raw cookie dough and lived to tell about it. Hmmm, maybe I will eat a healthy spinach salad and oh wait, some cow crap made people sick and now folks not affected by the scare are not trusted to purchase and wash the greens and consume. I will just drink some water and ponder this. Damn! the water is from a tap and I live in an old city. Lead abounds. The fact I grew up visiting my grandmother's 1820's era home and drank water, tea whatever means I should have never seen 5th grade. Maybe I should just go on a bike ride. Shoot! I don't have a helmet and after surviving all these years without one, I must wear one because it sets a good example for children. I'd hate to be the poor example that utimately caused little Timmy a scraped chin because he copied me. screw the bike. How bout a jaunt to the beach? Maybe I'll go to my regular place. Oh yeah, it is overrun by tourists who really believe my tax dollars need to pay for lifeguards on every block so they get out of actually being responsible for their own kids. Isn't that why I pay for county parks manned by lifeguards? I guess I will just read on my couch. Damn! I can't concentrate because I am so upset over the number of trees sacrificed to publish this tome. I guess I could watch the news. Oh! which news to watch? Every group has named a different channel "the man" and I don't want to offend anyone or spend money on causes I would never entertain. I begin to think about dinner. (At least that's easy, but if I lived somewhere with more socially active residents, my choices would be limited because harassing people is okay as long as you don't eat foie gras and I hate confrontation.) Wait, not so easy. I visit my favorite hamburger joint (joint, not chain!) and am informed that due to a state law, my meat must be overcooked. (even though the law was actually repealed, the cooks don't want to learn how to cook a variety of temps even if I am the only table) On the way home I remember I need to feed the cat. The declawed cat. Oh yes! My true ticket to hell, even though I have no idea who had this done, and adopted him from my sister who had rescued him from the SPCA. Not our fault but I suppose it would have been easier to have him put to sleep than take him in, love him like only a childless mother could, and put up with the judgements attached to something my sister and I had nothing to do with. Yes, America, I should be on the most wanted list.

Writing this rant, I am trying to figure out when "they" took over. Why isn't it a world where the philosophy of Wings rings true. Live and Let Die. Quit telling me all the reasons what I do is killing me. Mind your own damn business. "They" have never had raw cookie dough, ridden a bike with no helmet, or known the sweet sweet pleasure of a juicy burger! "They" know so much better than me, what's good for me. Wait, actually, "they" don't. Have you ever seen a list of "Do's?" Me, neither. Everytime they look out for me, the edict starts with "Do Not" Maybe it is that the public is more likely to react to negative commands. Hmmm, are we really that stupid that well into adulthood, we need someone to tell us all the don'ts? I think not.

I am the anti"them" I say eat raw cookie dough before putting it into your preheated oven. Drink tap water, hell get crazy and drink it from the spigot outside. Ride without a helmet, and laugh when you fall! Eat whatever you like because it tastes good. Spend your family vacation with your kids, not pawning them off on lifeguards.Rescue an animal from an allergic kid's mom without knowing his history. And spend more time loving him than debating the choice of his previous master. I challenge you to do what you like to do. Sure, be responsible, but quit listening to them. In fact, I should tell you don't listen to me, either. Listen to yourself. Do what YOU like to do. Eat what you like to eat. In the end, are the foie fascists going to attend your funeral after you fall off your bike on the way to the place that makes the best medium burgers in town? If so, will they throw paint on the fur coat your grandmother bought in 1945? Will they drink the iced tea made with tap water at the home that has been in your family for generations? Will they understand the cat has not always been yours? Probably not. And that's the way I want it.